Blog, pregnancy, story

Tiny Hands, Little Hearts and A big Smile

It has been some time since anything has been posted onto The Tired Buyer and I went on a hiatus for some time. Now I am back and better than ever! So much has happened including mental issues and joy.

Everyone knows I was pregnant with my first little angel where I documented the journey until I, in other terms, vanished. I was working so hard then it got pulled from under me. Unemployed and due in three months; Talk about heart stopping, anxious thoughts right before my dear stepdaughter, who calls me momma #2, came to stay with us for a extended amount of time.

She was there while we tried to pack our belongings as we needed to move after a loss in income and then I couldn’t go visit my grandma as I planned for Christmas. Well before Christmas Grandma was having complications and I began to worry as she went into the hospital. She would be held through Christmas and nothing much I could do from where I was. We went through the holidays as we packed up and moving things out of our old place. It was a trying time as I dealt with my emotional ride of mental health issues and being very much pregnant.

Doctor upped my medications and would keep it as such until well after delivery as things were getting worse.. and worse. Everything was at a peak and my grandma was getting worse. Everyone but my little family went to be with my grandma during her last days. We knew she didn’t have much longer and not being able to be there really hurt. We video chatted with her, and she looked awful with tubes, a face mask, and a tiny shell of her former self smiling at me and my dear step daughter through my phone. I told her the littlest ones name will be once she is here and she met her soon to be great grand child.

The next day on January 14th, the day before my birthday, I received the news at 8:04 am that my Grandma had passed away. I went into a further depression, the guilt of not getting to be there, not being able to attend her funeral and the guilt of barely getting to see my grandma as often as i liked over the last couple years came heavily on me. I spiraled hard and very quickly as I just laid in bed the rest of the day. I could not function and I cried.. A lot. I just kept thinking of all the things she will miss that I wanted her to be at. I was mad that she left but then it hit me. She will still be able to be there.

Fast forward to February 7th where I am feeling much better. I got my emotions better controlled with medications while I mourn the best I can. Even till today I still have my moments when I mourn as I have not been able to adequately. It has been a wonderful day and I have been over the moon enjoying the movements from littlest one along with seeing my dear step daughter excitedly await the arrival of her baby sister. Then it happens at roughly 10:00 Pm, the mild cramp like feelings I’ve had for the passed few days. However, this time it was not going away but it was so very far apart.

On February 8th at 1:57 Pm my darling little girl, Vulneria, was brought into this world at 5 lbs 2 oz and 18 inches.

One Month old

At 1 Am my labor started and I labored for well twelve (12) hours before active labor hit which lasted a whopping three (3) minutes if that. It was fast and the experience I went through was interesting. Nothing I read online really prepared me but you know I was reading everything I could get my hands on! I reached out to friends whom gave birth and communities to find out what to expect. Again, Nothing explained it well and I felt I was going in blind. That is a nope from me!!

When I told my darling that its go time I cried into his chest saying I don’t want to give birth yet. I was terrified of labor then pushing out a baby or getting cut open and you know, after the epidural it wasn’t so bad. I pushed her little self out and I felt so empowered. I wanted to cry but I held it in because she was looking up at me with those big eyes. Every piece of me wanted to cry and emotionally I did while I shook to touch her face and hold her hand. She was mine and I never wanted to let go; However, she was still covered in gunk and needed to be cleaned.

The next few days flew by and I was back home with my little girl. She is healthy and a happy tiny little thing! Breast feeding is a journey and although it did not go as planned we work on it a few times a week but I am a exclusive pumper. She gets the liquid gold and i supplement with formula when necessary. Currently she is asleep next to me with one little hand on my leg and the other holding her bottle with closed fists.

I still can not believe this baby doll like girl is mine.